Waterways. Reposted, and re-edited.

I recently entered this poem in a Poetry Contest, on KaylaAnn’s blog site, .. kaylannauthor … After the contest was finished she offer the entrants if they would like their poem reviewed and criticized, with some helpful suggestions. This re-edited “Waterways” is the result of her response and imput. I liked her idea of beginning all lines with verbs, and I changed the 6th line to include a water imagery, in keeping with the imagery of the poem. and the finish of the last line I also changed, it always sounded a bit awkward, and after sleeping on it, I dreamt up the words for a smooth ending. I’ll post the new edition first, and then underneath I’ll Paste the old version, hope you enjoy the alterations.

 

Waterways

Thinking about jumping into the waterfall from above.

Diving into her churning pool of heartache, called love.

Surging through the cascading rapids, of loves up and downs.

Settling upon her icy lake, where lovers often drown.

Flowing down the valley river, to where all waterways meet.

Trickling across her dry creek-bed, under the dampened sheet.

Spreading amongst the delta swamp, both bitter and sweet.

Flooding onto to her warm salt flats, discovering the open heat.

Spilling the water-lilies of love, over the seas so deep.

Joining her ocean of lost love, caressing her to sleep.

By. Ivor Steven.

 

The old Version:

img107 (2)

Published by

ivor20

Hi, and welcome to my blog site. My name is Ivor Steven, I live in Geelong, Australia. I'm a retired, part-time plumber, and a former Carer of my wife(Carole), for 30 years, who suffered from severe MS. I Write poetry about those personal thoughts, throughout and beyond my life as a Carer. I've been blogging for 18 months, and writing poems for nearly 18 years. Of course a lot of my poems are about my favourite subject Carole, but since I've been blogging my writings have become quite varied, humourous, mystical, observational, and even a few monster/horror poems.

32 thoughts on “Waterways. Reposted, and re-edited.”

  1. Few omits here and there and the poem is reborn… effective structure and smoother to read….

    Poems with water elements are actually very smoothing and you feel like a shore kissed and drenched of those mighty waves who never let you get dry enough before they hit you again… and willingly we surrender….

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.