I recently entered this poem in a Poetry Contest, on KaylaAnn’s blog site, .. kaylannauthor … After the contest was finished she offer the entrants if they would like their poem reviewed and criticized, with some helpful suggestions. This re-edited “Waterways” is the result of her response and imput. I liked her idea of beginning all lines with verbs, and I changed the 6th line to include a water imagery, in keeping with the imagery of the poem. and the finish of the last line I also changed, it always sounded a bit awkward, and after sleeping on it, I dreamt up the words for a smooth ending. I’ll post the new edition first, and then underneath I’ll Paste the old version, hope you enjoy the alterations.
Waterways
Thinking about jumping into the waterfall from above.
Diving into her churning pool of heartache, called love.
Surging through the cascading rapids, of loves up and downs.
Settling upon her icy lake, where lovers often drown.
Flowing down the valley river, to where all waterways meet.
Trickling across her dry creek-bed, under the dampened sheet.
Spreading amongst the delta swamp, both bitter and sweet.
Flooding onto to her warm salt flats, discovering the open heat.
Spilling the water-lilies of love, over the seas so deep.
Joining her ocean of lost love, caressing her to sleep.
By. Ivor Steven.
The old Version:
Liked it before, Love it now!
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What Peter said!
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Thanks Colleen
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π
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Wow, great changes. I’m anxious to see what she does with mine.
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Yes Walt, I found her critique and response, so interesting and helpful.
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I love the energy you put into your words Ivor.
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Itβs great to learn new ways to write based on critique but why am I always so rebellious!? I prefer the latter! Both great though
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Yes I now like my new version. .. I didn’t know you were so rebellious,
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I love the new version! π
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Thanks Michelle, so do I.
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Another celebration of the writing process. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing both versions.
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Thanks Ali, yes I really like my new version
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They were both charming, but I definitely love the tweaking that was done on the final version. How wonderful to have someone critique your poem!
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Yes Rose, I found the hints to be very helpful, and for my future writings as well. And I too prefer my new version now.
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You keep such an open mind, Ivor. That’s one of the things I admire about you.
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And thankyou, I’m using your monster plumber poet painting of me as my profile pic, I think I look super cute.
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Oh, thank you! You make the cutest monster, indeed. It was so much fun making him for you! π
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I had lots of nice comments about the artwork. Xx
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Really? I’m so happy to hear that. π
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Few omits here and there and the poem is reborn… effective structure and smoother to read….
Poems with water elements are actually very smoothing and you feel like a shore kissed and drenched of those mighty waves who never let you get dry enough before they hit you again… and willingly we surrender….
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Yes I’m very lucky l live within 40mins of the most beautiful beaches here in Victoria. I love the surf
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How wonderful…. Lucky!
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ποΈπ
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Loved this poem Ivor. I especially enjoyed the before and after. Seeing the difference it made.
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Her suggestions were really good, specially the one about beginning sentences using verbs. Really liked this poem π
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I’ve entered Waterways into a local Anthology competition, still waiting to see how it goes.
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That’s amazing. It is a pretty deserving poem. All the best π
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I really love both versions!
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I’ve submitted this poem quite a few times, and I’m so pleased it’s finally being published, especially in my own towns poetry book π
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