Waterways. Reposted, and re-edited.

I recently entered this poem in a Poetry Contest, on KaylaAnn’s blog site, .. kaylannauthor … After the contest was finished she offer the entrants if they would like their poem reviewed and criticized, with some helpful suggestions. This re-edited “Waterways” is the result of her response and imput. I liked her idea of beginning all lines with verbs, and I changed the 6th line to include a water imagery, in keeping with the imagery of the poem. and the finish of the last line I also changed, it always sounded a bit awkward, and after sleeping on it, I dreamt up the words for a smooth ending. I’ll post the new edition first, and then underneath I’ll Paste the old version, hope you enjoy the alterations.

 

Waterways

Thinking about jumping into the waterfall from above.

Diving into her churning pool of heartache, called love.

Surging through the cascading rapids, of loves up and downs.

Settling upon her icy lake, where lovers often drown.

Flowing down the valley river, to where all waterways meet.

Trickling across her dry creek-bed, under the dampened sheet.

Spreading amongst the delta swamp, both bitter and sweet.

Flooding onto to her warm salt flats, discovering the open heat.

Spilling the water-lilies of love, over the seas so deep.

Joining her ocean of lost love, caressing her to sleep.

By. Ivor Steven.

 

The old Version: