Last week I attended my Fortnightly writers group, called the “Belmont Page”, and I recited a recent poem of mine, “Broken Plates And Rabbit Stew”. The poem was openly discussed by the group, and they basically thought I’d written a good piece. Then there were a few suggestions about how I might improve my poem. Here is my rewritten poem, with the older edition attached below. I would appreciate some feedback in relation to my alterations, so I can take them back to the writers group.
Rabbit Stew And Broken Plates
Have you ever had that weird dream
Where you can’t see beyond the screen
Greyness is black and red is green
Straight lines are wavering beams
Stitched inside your brain’s sewn-up seams
Bagged and tagged a pale corpse unseen
Blueness in blood and plasma in streams
Chunky bittersweet rhubarb pie
Injected directly into your open veins
Hallucinating a vortex of fun and games
Spiralling under cool moonlight
A bleak bedroom coldness reigns
Over mountains made of rabbit stew
Slowly eaten with a wooden spike
Digested, your tummy gurgles and ejects buckets of spew
While a hairless dog chases the postie’s bike
Dawn, a kettle whistle screams
Above the ice-covered broken plates
Shattered upon creek-bed rocks

After reading the excellent comments I’ve received from my faithful readers, below is another rewrite of my interesting Nightmare poem.
Rabbit Stew And Broken Plates
Have you ever had that weird dream
Where you can’t see beyond the silver-screen
Greyness is black and red is green
Straight lines are slivery beams
Stitched inside your brain’s sewn-up seams
Bagged and tagged a pale corpse unseen
Blueness in blood and plasma in streams
Chunky bittersweet rhubarb pie
Injected directly into your open veins
Hallucinating a vortex of fun and games
Spiralling outside in moonshine
A bleak bedroom coldness reigns
Over mountains made of rabbit stew
Slowly eaten with a wooden teaspoon
Digested, your tummy gurgles and ejects buckets of spew
While a hairless dog chases the postie’s bike
Dawn, a kettle whistle screams
Above the ice-covered broken plates
Shattered upon creek-bed rocks
Nightmares begun in April, ending dismayed
Ivor Steven (c) 2018
Featured Image: Featured image courtesy of Slasher Monster Magazine, https://slashermonster.com/